Self-reliance is often described as a quiet superpower. It fuels confidence, decision making and the ability to create a life that fills you with joy. But what happens when you become too independent? When self-reliance turns into going it alone at all costs?
When the scales tip too far in one direction, self-reliance can morph into hyper-independence – where independence is mistaken for never needing or asking for help. Far from being a superpower, hyper-independence can leave you feeling drained, distant and disconnected.
Flying solo
Hyper-independence can be understood as an extreme form of self-reliance, where individuals tend to resist asking for help to avoid vulnerability. It shows up in different ways for different people. As Megan Stachini, an ICF-accredited business coach and founder of Intrinsic Coaching, explains: ‘It could look like not asking for help at all – hyper-reliance on yourself, even when you are really stretched or striving for perfectionism.’
Megan says when people are in this state they often end up using phrases such as, ‘I’ll do it myself’, ‘I don’t need anyone’ or ‘It’s quicker if I just handle it’.
In contrast, those not struggling with hyper-independence can do things themselves, but are also comfortable asking for help. ‘A healthy, self-led person doesn’t feel like they will lose something when they ask for help,’ says Megan. ‘They can ask for help and delegate. They can receive support without guilt or tension, or a negative self-image.’
Hyper-independent people struggle with this, not because they’re incapable of asking for help, but because their hyper-independence is deeply rooted and feels like a safe choice for them. ‘It’s a learned survival behaviour. This could have been triggered by trauma, or could have manifested from a lack of secure care,’ Megan says. ‘Healthy independence is a choice. Hyper-independence is compulsion and an instinctive response that is autopiloted.’
Breaking point
For those who are naturally prone to hyper-independence, the ramifications can be wide reaching. This shows up most obviously in relationships with others. It often leads to relationship dynamics in which the hyper-independent person is an over-giver and holds the majority of the load. Hyper-independent people take on the role of being ‘the strong one’ and struggle to delegate and let go of control, even when overwhelmed.
In new dynamics or relationships, this can work well at first. Appearing efficient, organised and strong often attracts people and you become the go-to person to sort things out. ‘You will be the problem solver, but that will slowly build past your capacity and you won’t see the same support reciprocated,’ Megan explains. ‘Then you may start to feel resentful, frustrated or like you are completely alone.’ She makes the point that those with hyper-independence project their viewpoint onto others and sometimes equate rest with laziness. ‘Often it leads to feeling extremely irritated when others don’t meet your standard, so you tend to take over and just “get it done,”’ she says.
This can lead to burnout and a feeling of disconnection from yourself as you slowly lose yourself through this exhaustion and living up to the independent reputation you have built for yourself. Subsequently, it becomes even harder to show vulnerability, as your identity centres around being strong and not needing support.
As Megan puts it, ‘Relationships become strained because people feel shut out and people become dependent on you, which traps you further. You could feel lonelier, more exhausted and completely isolated.’ She adds, ‘There is only so much capacity within each of us, before the weight we carry on our own will end up impacting us.’
Vulnerability as strength
Embracing vulnerability is a cornerstone of letting go of hyper-independent tendencies. Whether it’s a work, relationship or health issue, we all need support sometimes, and vulnerability can help with this. Despite not coming naturally to many people, it is crucial for building meaningful and rewarding connections with others when things are both rough and smooth. As vulnerability researcher and expert Brené Brown says, vulnerability is not a weakness, but a core emotion behind courage, innovation and meaningful connection.
While extreme independence can signal mistrust of others, vulnerability builds trust. Practising vulnerability can therefore strengthen bonds. ‘Without vulnerability, everything stays controlled, filtered, managed,’ says Megan. ‘When someone allows themselves to be seen, honestly, not performatively, everything changes. We reconnect, stop living in survival and start thriving in our truth. Relationships deepen, trust is built and the pressure of holding it all together reduces.’
Happy middle
Interdependence sits in the middle of hyper-independence and co-dependence. It’s the sweet spot where you have mutual reliance and support within relationships, while preserving your autonomy. Here, individuals maintain their sense of self while supporting – and, crucially, accepting support from – others.
In fact, a study conducted by the University of Louisville shows that higher interdependence is linked to less loneliness, promotes more positive perceptions of social ties and is central to emotional wellbeing.
As Megan says, the shift towards this isn’t surface level: ‘It’s noticing when you slip into overdrive and into your go-to reaction or response. It’s about catching what you’re actually protecting at that moment and regulating instead of reacting. It’s about slowly letting safe support back in, in a way that isn’t overwhelming for you.’
Of course, strength, competence and independence are always going to be great assets, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to be the strong one all the time. Asking others for help isn’t a sign of failure – it’s a way to strengthen your relationships and build a happy, fulfilling life.
Embracing vulnerability
Ruth Kudzi, a master certified coach and founder of Optimus Coach Academy, shares tips on where to begin.
Start to bring awareness to where you are being too independent
Look at where you are doing things other people could do. Think about where you are not delegating at home or work, when you know you don’t have capacity or resources to do it all alone. Identify the areas where you are taking on too much and try looking at your life through someone else’s eyes.
Recognise your belief driving this
Take time to think about where this belief and behaviour come from. Is it from a childhood where it felt safer not to trust others or where you felt a need to be perfect? Is it from an experience at some point in your career where you had to prove yourself or go it alone? Is it about needing to be in control? Identify this behaviour, challenge it and then try and reframe it.
Build the micro muscle of connection
Ask for help in small ways. Start by delegating things that are not that important so you can build a new habit.
Allow yourself to feel the discomfort
Recognise this will feel uncomfortable and get on the edge of this feeling.
Create new beliefs
Start fostering new thoughts such as, ‘I am able to do what I need and support others with their needs, and I am worthy of getting support, too.’ Writing these thoughts down or repeating them to yourself can be helpful. Believe change is possible and take small steps to get you there.