You did it! You aced the interview, and the promotion you’ve had your heart set on is yours. But where you expected to feel elation, the ultimate sense of achievement, there’s a nagging voice in your head interrupting your celebrations. ‘What’s next?’ it says. ‘You can do better, you know.’
You’re not alone in chasing a wiser, richer, happier or healthier version of yourself, only to feel flat and disappointed when reality hits. The quest towards self-improvement may leave you feeling like you’re running as fast as you can, in a race you’re never going to win. It’s only natural for people to create idealised versions of themselves; it can build hope and spark motivation to work towards values-aligned goals and to pursue meaningful life changes. But if the race you are running feels never-ending, and you worry you’re always falling behind, it might be time to reassess who you’re running against.
Your ideal versus actual self
It’s common for people to imagine an ideal version of themselves, says Dr Emanuala Araia, a health psychologist from Melbourne, Australia. She’s noticed this showing up for many of her clients, particularly in work-related contexts, where they have idealised views about their performance or how they present themselves. She also sees it frequently in other roles, such as parenting, intimate relationships or close friendships, and notes that heightened expectations typically show up during key transition periods, life changes and when navigating new experiences and uncertainty – times that tend to prompt increased self-reflection.
Emanuala refers to the self-discrepancy theory put forward by Columbia University psychology professor Edward Higgins. Higgins’ theory states that while a person’s actual self represents who they are in the present – things like their skills and attributes, as perceived by themselves or others – the ideal self refers to a person’s desires, preferences and goals: how they would ideally like to be. When there’s a significant difference between the actual and ideal self, explains Emanuala, this is more likely to cause psychological distress, manifesting as feelings of sadness, guilt or anxiety.
Factors such as external demands, internal or external expectations and a lack of support can influence the gap between someone’s ideal and actual self, and someone’s workplace, family or relational contexts can reinforce or intensify the discrepancy experienced.
What shapes your ideal you
Most of Emanuala’s clients’ idealised selves relate to their values, she reflects, but often unhelpful drivers such as perfectionism and unrealistic standards also have an impact. Linked to this, historical factors such as early life experiences that can influence one’s self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth can also play a significant role. She says: ‘How mistakes or failures were responded to in childhood – whether they were accepted and normalised, or criticised and discouraged – can strongly influence how someone learns to evaluate themselves. Equally, expectations projected by key figures or systems such as parents, teachers, schools or peers can become internalised over time, shaping beliefs that may also have an influence.’
Influences in the present may be someone’s social context, such as their workplace culture, relationship roles (being a parent or partner, for instance) and broader social connections. The media and social media can also play a powerful part, maintains Emanuala, by ‘promoting narrow or idealised images of things like success, parenting, relationships, bodies and personal achievement, which can create implicit social scripts about what is considered “ideal”’.
She adds that when one’s ideal self is influenced by external forces, it can lead people to internalise an ideal self that is not fully aligned with their own values or goals. ‘In these cases, the ideal self may be shaped more by a desire for approval, validation or acceptance from others than by what is genuinely meaningful to the individual, which can lead to ongoing dissatisfaction or a sense of never being “enough”.’
Why chase the ideal you?
Visualising an ideal version of yourself can serve myriad functions. ‘For some, it can act as an internal compass, providing direction, checkpoints and a sense of accountability around how they want to think and behave in line with their values. In this sense, the ideal self can help guide decision-making and support motivation for change,’ says Emanuala. She notes that one’s ideal self can also serve a more ‘aspirational or goal-oriented function, often seen in workplace contexts, where individuals hold an image of who they want to become or what they want to achieve and use that as a driver for growth and progression. In these cases, the ideal self can function as a motivational tool or stepping stone towards personal or professional goals’.
Perks of the chase
Holding in mind an idealised version of yourself can sometimes be helpful. ‘An idealised version of the self can be adaptive when it supports values-based action, learning and growth.’ However, Emanuala acknowledges it can become less helpful when it is ‘rigid, perfectionistic or overly tied to self-worth, as this may contribute to self-criticism or distress when individuals perceive themselves as falling short of their ideal’.
She shares an example of how someone’s ideal self can have a positive impact. ‘When someone aspires to be their ideal self in relationships, they may focus on becoming more present and engaged. This can motivate them to develop better communication skills and strategies that improve their interactions.’ There can also be a positive flow-on effect when people’s actions align closely with their ideal self, like feeling pride and a sense of achievement.
The positive outcomes of having an ideal self often depend on whether your ideal is aligned with your values, principles and life goals. Aiming to be a better partner, friend or employee can act as a motivating factor and lead to positive changes. However, the positive impact can depend on how self-compassionate and psychologically flexible a person is. If the ideal self is unrealistic and related to self-criticism, it may lead to negative outcomes, even if the goals themselves seem positive.
Costs of the chase
Many signs can suggest someone’s ideal self is having a negative impact. Emanuala says a decline in quality of life and overall wellbeing, particularly when mental health begins to suffer, are important to look out for. This can happen when a person’s ideal self no longer reflects what they genuinely value or care about, but instead is shaped by a desire for social acceptance or approval, or when it serves as a maladaptive coping strategy. Consequently, individuals may feel disconnected from themselves or experience a sense of inauthenticity.
Another important sign is when striving towards the ideal self begins to undermine self-confidence and self-worth. ‘While goals and aspirations can be healthy and motivating, they become harmful if constant self-comparison leads to persistent feelings of inadequacy or failure. People may feel as though they are never “good enough”, even when they appear successful on the surface,’ she says. Additional signs may be things like chronic dissatisfaction (despite things seeming fine externally) and the presence of a harsh inner critic. Emanuala notes that over time these patterns can create emotional exhaustion, reduced self-compassion and a lasting negative impact on wellbeing.
Recognising the race
It can sometimes be hard to see when your idealised self is having a negative impact. If you’ve always lived with an idealised self, it may feel like a part of who you are and therefore not something that needs to be reflected on. This is particularly so if it developed due to messages while growing up about the importance of achievement or striving for high standards, which can be reinforced throughout life and carried into adulthood.
Perfectionism and a fear of failure can also be a barrier, emphasises Emanuala, as these can ‘make it difficult to pause, reflect, pivot or change direction, because doing so may feel like giving up or admitting that striving for the ideal version is no longer working.’ Another major barrier is a lack of acceptance. ‘Sometimes the ideal we are striving for is unrealistic or no longer possible, and if we are unwilling to accept this, it can prevent us from noticing the harm it may be causing.’
She also sheds light on the impact of rigidity. ‘If someone holds parts of their ideal self – and associated goals – too tightly, it can make it hard to recognise when they are unhelpful or emotionally costly.’ She adds: ‘When someone rigidly clings to a particular self-image or goal, it can get in the way of self-awareness alongside a lack of meaningful self-reflection, making it easy to miss the consequences of our pursuits. For example, if someone’s ideal self focuses intensely on becoming fitter, it may mean they fail to see that they’ve cancelled social plans for several weekends in a row, at the cost of connection and other competing values.’
Paying attention to how your idealised self is leaving you feeling may prompt you to reflect on whether it is serving you or not. If it is leaving you feeling anxious, depleted and unmotivated, it could be time to re-evaluate.
Moving forward without pressure
If you discover your ideal self is hindering rather than helping you, know you can always change your pace and who you’re running against. ‘Ultimately, having an ideal self is not inherently good or bad – it depends on how it influences your motivation, sense of self-worth and ability to grow,’ reminds Emanuala.
She encourages you to view your ideal self as a flexible guide, grounded in values, supported by self-acceptance and an openness to change, in order to be a helpful motivator rather than an unhelpful source of pressure. And to remember that: ‘Self-compassion can be freeing, improve quality of life and support sustainable growth. Without it, people may constantly move the goalposts, never feeling satisfied, always chasing the next version of themselves, which can be exhausting.’
Managing your idealised self
Tips for how to change your pace
- Get curious. Reflect on what is driving your ideals and whether they are leaving you feeling distressed. If so, Emanuala says, question whether the pace of change you expect is realistic right now, and remember that growth is rarely linear.
- Avoid avoidance. If your ideal self is preventing action in the present – for example, delaying dating, rest or enjoyment until a certain ideal is achieved – your ideals may be keeping you stuck rather than helping you.
- Clarify your values. Explore what values are meaningful to you, and use these to shape your goals and guide your actions. Practise enjoying the process and being proud of your intentions and efforts, regardless of the outcome.
- Be flexible. Remember ideals may change over time. Flexibility over rigidity may allow you to move forwards, rather than stay stuck. Emanuala suggests viewing the ideal self as a ‘guide for now’ rather than a fixed end point.
- Let go of unhelpful perfectionism. Consider how unrealistic standards and shifting goal posts get in the way of contentment, pride and enjoyment, and how they can fuel anxiety, low mood, low self-worth and ‘not good enough’ beliefs. Ponder what may be ‘good enough’. Let go of unhelpful ‘shoulds’ that may impact how you evaluate yourself.
- Take the pressure off. If your expectations are too high, unrealistic or their pursuit comes at a cost, try asking yourself: ‘How can I take the pressure off?’ Emanuala warns that letting go of certain ideals may lead to grief or loss, so go gently.
- Move away from negative bias. Try focusing on ways in which you are acting in line with your values and already achieving your goals, rather than on how you wish things (including yourself) could be better.
- Practise presence. Try to be in the here and now; practise contentment with what is, rather than getting hooked on versions of your past or future self.
- Be kind to yourself. Remember to practise self-compassion rather than self-criticism, as this is more likely to support change.
Kaitlin Germaine is a clinical psychologist from Melbourne, Australia. To find out more about her work, visit spacetobloom.com.au or follow her on Instagram @spacetobloomaus
Find Dr Emanuala Araia at mehealthclinic.com.au