‘You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.’ It’s a phrase you’ve probably heard plenty of times. Reciprocity, or the unspoken expectation of it, is ingrained in social interactions. Even just hearing a heartfelt ‘thank you’ or ‘I owe you one!’ can feel satisfying when you’ve done something nice for someone. And if you don’t receive the recognition you crave, it can sting.
This happens in all kinds of relationships. If you are there for a friend during their breakup, you may feel hurt if they don’t check in on you when you face a tough time. If you put a lot of thought into a birthday gift for a sibling, you may be resentful if they forget yours or give you a generic gift card. But giving without conditions or expectations can be a source of joy, not only for others, but yourself too.
Fair exchange
True generosity isn’t about expecting something in return, but about giving freely, simply because you can. Giving, without strings attached, can turn everyday moments into quiet acts of love, strengthening your connections without keeping score.
Buying a coffee for a colleague may seem like a nice gesture, but are you secretly assuming they’ll get the next one? If you give a friend a lift to the airport, do you bank this as an IOU for your next trip? Giving to others, whether it’s your time, material items or kind gestures, can be a beautiful way to show you care for someone. But so often, these gestures are underwritten by a silent contract, one that has expectations of reciprocity. When these expectations aren’t met, it can be painful and breed resentment.
If you recognise this in yourself, don’t feel bad, it’s normal. According to some experts, a desire for an even balance of ‘give and take’ may even be an evolutionary trait, and something you are not always conscious of.
‘There’s a need for equity and fairness that humans carry, which means you naturally track whether relationships feel balanced,’ explains Ontario-based psychotherapist Delia Petrescu. ‘It’s important for [people] to understand that experiencing these feelings doesn’t make them selfish or bad people. These patterns are fundamentally human and arise from an innate need for belonging and reciprocity in relationships… These patterns are learned behaviours that begin in early childhood through a combination of social conditioning and survival instincts.’
According to Delia, this need often stems from a desire for approval. ‘When you give something to another person, you’re often unconsciously seeking proof that you matter to them, that your effort was noticed and valued and that you hold a meaningful place in their life.’
These unspoken expectations are often ones you’re not consciously aware of, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. ‘Rather than feeling guilty, you can approach this tendency with curiosity and self-compassion. Understanding why you do this is the first step toward making more conscious choices about how you want to show up in your relationships,’ says Delia.
There are benefits to relinquishing some of your expectations around how others respond, and to give solely for the joy of giving. ‘When you’re constantly tracking what you give versus what you receive, you’re living in a state of subtle anxiety and vigilance that’s exhausting,’ says Delia. ‘You’re never fully present in the act of giving because part of your mind is already calculating the expected return. This can lead to chronic disappointment and a cynical worldview, where you start to believe that people are inherently selfish or that genuine kindness doesn’t exist.’
The kindness scoreboard
In some contexts, this sense of reciprocity can offer balance, but if you regularly find yourself keeping a mental scoreboard, it may lead to a negative cycle of give and take in relationships, which can manifest as resentment, guilt or disappointment.
‘When you consistently give with unspoken expectations, it can cause some damage to your relationships over time,’ says Delia. ‘You start to build up resentment without the other person even knowing there’s a problem, because you never communicated your expectations in the first place.’
Perhaps you regularly cook a meal for your partner or flatmate, but are disappointed when they don’t return the favour. ‘The cook begins tallying up these perceived slights,’ says Delia. ‘Eventually they might refuse to cook for a special occasion, throw their past effort in their partner’s face during an argument, or make comments like, “Well, I cooked for you every night last week, so I don’t see why you can’t do this one thing for me.” The partner, who was simply enjoying the meals without realising there was an unspoken contract, suddenly finds themselves in debt for something they never agreed to. This dynamic breeds confusion, resentment and distance.’
While it may get frustrating as the giver, sometimes it’s a struggle as the recipient too. It can be uncomfortable and can leave you feeling indebted or under pressure to ‘owe’ something in return. It’s important to let go of those feelings, though. ‘Instead of reacting with guilt or obligation, take a breath and accept the gift with gratitude,’ says Jeremy Neumann, a Melbourne-based psychotherapist and clinical director of Humans Being Counselling. ‘Remember, the giver’s intention may have been to share joy, not to create a debt. When you receive with appreciation, you’re already completing the giving loop. Offering a heartfelt “thank you” or sharing how their gesture made you feel is often enough.’
Moving beyond
Moving past these expectations and letting go of trying to control other’s responses can be freeing. There are many ways to do this. When doing things for others, pause and question why you’re doing it. ‘One of the most powerful shifts you can make is to pause before giving, and honestly check in with yourself about your motivations,’ says Delia. ‘Before agreeing to help someone move house, before buying that gift, before offering emotional support, take a moment to ask: “Am I doing this freely or am I hoping for something specific in return?” If you notice expectations arising, you have a choice to either communicate them explicitly, or consciously decide to let them go and give anyway.’
Another technique is one Delia calls ‘closing the loop’ in the moment of giving. ‘This means allowing yourself to feel complete satisfaction in the act itself rather than leaving an open psychological loop that requires the other person to close it. For instance, when you give a gift, truly savour the joy of choosing something thoughtful and the pleasure of imagining their reaction, then consciously tell yourself that this moment right here is the reward.’
It can be helpful to keep in mind that different people express love and gratitude in different ways, and these ways may not exactly mirror your own. ‘Many people are familiar with the concept of love languages, but this idea extends beyond romantic relationships to all forms of giving and receiving,’ says Delia.
‘Someone might not buy you lunch back, but they might be the person who always remembers to check in when you’re going through a difficult time. Your friend might never help you move house, but they might be the one who shows up with soup when you’re sick or sends you articles they know you’ll find interesting. When you rigidly expect reciprocity to mirror your exact form of giving, you often miss all the ways people are actually showing up for you.’
But giving without expecting anything in return does not mean being a pushover or allowing your boundaries to be disrespected. ‘Context matters,’ says Jeremy. ‘In some settings, reciprocity is part of the norm, such as taking turns to buy drinks in the pub. That’s part of the social rhythm. But when giving becomes an obligation, it loses its meaning.’
Hope, don’t expect
Assumptions can be the killer of joy. Remember that if someone doesn’t react the way you expect, then it may be for reasons beyond them not being grateful. Perhaps they’ve had a terrible day at work, maybe their mental health is in a bad place or perhaps they are struggling financially. ‘If someone doesn’t reciprocate, try not to take it personally says Jeremy. ‘It might reflect differences in priorities or love languages rather than a lack of care. True generosity comes from choice, not obligation. When you give without conditions, you experience a deeper kind of happiness, one that isn’t dependent on others’ reactions.’
Finding pleasure in this can boost your relationships. Research by the Seattle-based Gottman Institute suggests that relationships thrive when positive interactions outweigh negative ones by roughly five to one. ‘But these positive interactions need to be genuine, not transactional,’ says Jeremy. And while you have no control over the other person’s reaction, you do have control over the perspective you take. When it comes to expecting something in return, try reframing ‘expect’ to ‘hope’. ‘Expectation implies an unwritten contract that the other person owes you something,’ says Jeremy. ‘Hope, on the other hand, allows space for kindness while accepting uncertainty.’
Remember that if you are only giving with an expectation of reciprocity in mind, it’s not generosity, it’s a transaction. Learning to let go of these expectations, even just every now and then, can help spark joy in your relationships and maybe within yourself too.
‘What I find most compelling about learning to give without conditions is that it’s ultimately about reclaiming your own emotional freedom,’ says Delia. ‘This doesn’t mean tolerating exploitation or becoming someone who gives endlessly without regard for their own needs. Genuine, unconditional giving actually requires quite robust boundaries because you need to be clear about what you can offer without later feeling resentful.
‘There’s something quite powerful about recognising that, while you can’t control how others behave, you can always control your own integrity and how you choose to show up in relationships.’
Small ways to give, unconditionally
- Give a genuine compliment to a friend, but don’t wait to receive one in return.
- Help a colleague out with a project. Hope they’ll return the favour, but don’t expect or assume. If they don’t, let it go.
- Pay for lunch with a friend but don’t let them get the next one.
- Offer to give a family member or friend a lift somewhere, but don’t ask them to return the favour.
- Bring a selection of sweet treats into work for your colleagues and don’t make note of who says thank you.
- Offer to water your neighbours’ plants or feed their cat while they are away, without banking it as an IOU for later on.
- Buy a coffee for a colleague – don’t keep mental score for the next time.
- Let a stranger go ahead of you in the supermarket queue, and smile even if you don’t get a thank you.
- Do a household chore that a family member or flatmate dislikes – maybe it’s doing the dishes or emptying the rubbish bin – but don’t keep score or remind them it’s their turn next time.
Find out more about Delia’s work at getreconnected.ca/get-reconnected-team/delia-petrescu/ and follow her on Instagram @getreconnected.ca. Find Jeremy Neumann at humansbeing.com.au/team