In the late 1990s, the writer Sophie Dahl was a model celebrated for being plus-sized in an era when being skinny was the fashion industry’s norm. But it was her origin story that often hit the headlines: she’d had an argument with her mother, so the story goes, and was crying in the street outside a house in London’s Chelsea. That house belonged to stylist Isabella Blow, who invited her in and, like a fairy godmother, turned her into a catwalk model by introducing her to some influential photographers.
Outside the echelons of wealth, privilege and power, would breaking down in public like this be more likely to cause scrutiny rather than success? And had Sophie not been the granddaughter of the infamous children’s author Roald Dahl, might not her story have ended with her feeling increasingly anxious, or self-conscious? Perhaps she would have doubted her tears, and attempted to halt their flow? Or even shamed herself and run off, in fear of looking foolish?
It’s hard to say, as emotions can have a mind of their own. When you’re going through a stressful time, and your body and mind feel tightly coiled, emotions often simmer just beneath the surface of your consciousness. And there’s no one-size-fits-all etiquette for what to do when these break the dam and flood out. Anger, annoyance, sadness, fear, joy and pride all have their place, but what you do with them is influenced by a complex web of internal rules shaped by your upbringing, culture, work and the communities you align with.
Granted, emotions can be unpredictable. But when should you publicly show how you feel? And when is it better to hold back, suppress or pare down your feelings?
Understanding your audience
It depends on the context, explains Belynder Walia, a psychotherapist, author and TEDx speaker, who helps people build healthy self-relationships through emotional awareness and authenticity. She says, ‘The audience matters, because with emotional expression, safety is always being assessed. With strangers, most people naturally protect themselves. With friends, expression feels easier. With family, old emotional conditioning often overrides adult logic and control. Beliefs about emotion are learned early. Some people were soothed when upset. Others were corrected, dismissed or told to stay quiet. These early experiences shape whether expression feels safe or risky.’
They also form the basis of internal rules and thought patterns, such as ‘I must appear strong’, or ‘I must not cry in front of others’ – and associated beliefs that you’ll be judged or hurt if you show how you feel. What’s more, you may not be consciously aware that you’re operating from these thought patterns.
‘Emotion appears in the body before it ever becomes thought. A tight chest, a shaky breath, a lump in the throat – the body reacts first,’ explains Belynder. ‘When people feel unsure how to handle intense emotion, they often shut it down, in others and in themselves, or sadly react in a mirrored manner. In contrast, emotions that feel easy for others to sit with, such as happiness, gratitude or excitement, are widely accepted. Sadness is often tolerated in controlled amounts, but anger, fear and shame make many people uncomfortable because they were never taught how to respond to them.’
Last year, when the UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer Rachel Reeves cried in the House of Commons – later citing that she was having a tough day – it led to much debate about whether you should cry at work. It turns out that many people do, and a US study by author Anne Kreamer cited that 41 per cent of the women they surveyed had done so.
In fact, it might be a smart move when you consider the side effects of suppressing emotions. ‘Feelings are designed to move,’ says Belynder. ‘When they move, pressure releases. When they don’t, pressure builds up. When emotion is hidden, it escapes through tone, silence, defensiveness, sarcasm, control or withdrawal.’ Crying might be the release you need to avoid alienating others with a burst of frustration that sees you slam down the phone, or shout at a client.
Accepting how you feel
Emotions don’t happen in a void, and the trigger is often some kind of conflict, either internally or with another person. Suppressing how you feel doesn’t stop the emotion, it stores it up for later, meaning that issues and problems build up. A simple misunderstanding with an acquaintance at lunch can replay in your psyche for weeks, when it could have been sorted then and there.
‘Most conflict comes from feelings that were never acknowledged,’ says Belynder. ‘For the person experiencing the emotion, expression prevents overload. It stops everything being carried alone.
‘For the people witnessing it, it gives context. It shows where someone is emotionally, without requiring explanation. This is how genuine connection forms – through emotional signals, and not always through articulation.’
It’s vital to remember that unexpressed emotions always find an outlet. ‘Suppressed emotion doesn’t disappear. It settles into the body and nervous system,’ says Belynder. ‘Some people hold everything together for a long time and then suddenly unravel after a seemingly small trigger. Others never explode outwardly at all – their distress turns inward and shows up as chronic stress, anxiety, restlessness, compulsive habits, burnout or a constant state of tension. Over time, this sustained activation can also drive cortisol levels higher than the body is designed to hold, quietly impacting physical health.’
She says, ‘Internally, suppression weakens self-trust. People start doubting their needs, ignoring their internal signals and staying quiet to stay safe. In relationships, unspoken feelings often turn into distance, resentment, people-pleasing, shutdown or emotional detachment.’
What can help?
Becoming more conscious of your emotions and practising self-regulation can help you to respond appropriately, rather than reacting or defaulting to old patterns. ‘Start with awareness, rather than control,’ advises Belynder. ‘Slow the breath before reacting, notice where the feeling sits in your body, move the body gently to release tension and allow time before addressing the situation. The skill lies in recognising what you feel, allowing it internally and choosing how much to share based on timing, safety and impact.’
You get to decide what’s right for you. What’s more, when you clearly communicate with others, you remove the need for public displays of emotions.
Belynder says, ‘Be specific, calm and direct. You can let others know you feel overstimulated, or explain that you feel emotionally raw and may be quieter. Similarly, you can share that you care, but don’t have full capacity, or say when something has affected you more than expected.’
Ultimately, remember that showing emotion is a normal and natural part of life. ‘Don’t shame yourself for reacting, or pretend that you are unaffected when you are not. Feeling embarrassed doesn’t mean the emotion is wrong, it simply means the mind is aware of being seen,’ says Belynder.
And sometimes being seen is exactly what you need to move through a difficult situation with grace and courage.
Go through the process
When it comes to emotions, private processing is the precursor to public display. Here, Belynder shares how to self-reflect when your feelings bubble up.
- When dealing with loss or bereavement. Tell yourself that there is no correct timeline. Grief moves in waves. Some days feel steady and others don’t, but both are part of the process. You never need to get over grief; you just need to get through it.
- When something triggers you. Be mindful of your emotions, ground the body and only address the situation once your nervous system has settled.
- When you have good news and others are struggling. Remember that joy doesn’t need to disappear, it simply needs sensitivity in timing and delivery.
- When you feel angry about how someone has treated you. Anger often signals crossed boundaries or compromised values. Let it guide clarity rather than confrontation. Being defensive only fuels conflict, and rarely delivers the relief it promises. Calm, grounded certainty carries far more power.
- When you feel embarrassed after a mistake. Acknowledging what you’ve done wrong heals it faster than being critical of yourself, and quiet responsibility dissolves shame.
- When you need to apologise. Settle yourself first. You can do this by speaking calmly and directly to yourself using a soothing internal voice. That inner dialogue will help you to rationalise your thoughts. Apologies land best when there is no defence wrapped around them.
These strategies help you to pause before rushing to fix the emotion or situation. And in that gap, you get to choose what’s best for you – whether that’s asking for space, communicating your distress or letting rip in the privacy of your journal.
Greta Solomon is a journalist specialising in mental health and emotional wellbeing, and a writing teacher and coach. Find out more at gretasolomon.com
Belynder Walia is a psychotherapist, author and inspirational speaker. Her book Fix Me: How to Manage Anxiety and Take Control of Your Life explores how to align mind, body and emotion for lasting wellbeing. Connect with her at serenelifestyles.com