Picture the scene: you’re halfway through the work day when a friend sends a long, gloomy text message about a recurring relationship problem. Heart pounding at the thought of their discomfort, you hurry out of the office to call them. You launch into a 20-minute advice session – something that’s become a regular occurrence over the past few months. When you get back to your desk, you feel proud to have been called upon for help once again, but there’s a conflicting feeling there too: a low-level exhaustion that leaves you drained for the rest of the day.
Sound familiar? You might unwittingly be playing the role of rescuer in your relationships by being the person whose sense of self depends on helping those around you. Of course, it makes sense that you have an in-built desire to support your nearest and dearest – they’re important to you and you want them to be happy. But what if constantly stepping in to save the day is tipping your relationships out of balance, leaving you with an empty cup when it comes to taking care of yourself?
Illusion of safety
If you recognise yourself as a rescuer, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Sarah, 41, from Buckinghamshire in England, became aware of her rescuing tendencies in her 30s. She wonders now if she was following an example that had always been set for her. ‘I never saw my parents ask for help or say they’d messed up, and I never questioned if there might be a more emotional, vulnerable version of being an adult available,’ she explains. ‘My dad was a teacher and that’s how my mum sometimes explained his rescuer behaviours. I’ve become a teacher too, and I love it, but I do worry that the authority and position of responsibility I rightly have with my students gets transferred too easily to my relationships with functioning adults.’
Georgina Sturmer MBACP, a counsellor who’s based in Hertfordshire, England, echoes Sarah’s take on familial patterns and expectations. She says that from the moment children are born, they quickly suss out how to gain attention and affection from their caregivers: ‘If you’re praised for keeping the peace, solving problems and looking after others, then you’re likely to become a rescuer. It’s perfectly natural for caregivers to reward kindness, but what we’re talking about here is when praise and acceptance seem conditional, while any other behaviour will lead to criticism or rejection.’
There are lots of other reasons why you might step into a rescuing role. These can take the form of anything from low self-esteem to feeling the responsibility of being the eldest child. Your household set-up can impact things too. ‘In a strict household, you might determine that rescuing and solving problems would be the safest way to avoid punishment,’ says Georgina. ‘In a chaotic household, becoming a rescuer might help you to retain a sense of control – or it might feel like the only option if your parents lack the capacity to look after everyone at home.’
During childhood, rescuing can be a way to maintain feelings of safety and security. As Georgina says, it might be the only reliable way of gaining love or affection. But what about adults? Can there be benefits to maintaining your position as the person who saves others from their own problems?
Sarah used to think so, but her view now is quite different. ‘I had therapy on and off for about eight years, but this particular rescuer role never came up in that context, possibly because I hadn’t really thought of it as a problem before,’ she says. ‘I think it’s so easy to think this is a side of your personality that works well, because you can show yourself to be competent, responsible and reliable. It makes you feel useful and valuable, which seemed like a good thing for me. Well, until I was in my 30s and started to recognise some patterns of “knowing best” I exhibited in my own behaviour – I didn’t like the kind of person I felt I could easily become. Oh, and I was burning out big time!’
Hidden costs
The trouble with always jumping in to help others is that you can forget to aim that help in your own direction. This can leave you depleted at best and resentful at worst. ‘When we constantly put other people’s needs before our own, there can be an emotional cost,’ says Georgina. ‘Outwardly, you might display satisfaction and contentment, but inwardly, you might be left feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. And if left unchecked or unexplored, these feelings can manifest in unexpected ways: panic, anger, anxiety or helplessness.’
It’s also easy to forget that there can be a negative emotional cost for the people you’re rescuing. Although your intention is to support others or fix their situation, this can tip the scales and lead to an unbalanced relationship where they’re infantilised and disempowered. Sarah acknowledges that she’s experienced this first-hand: ‘Someone told me once that I’d ruined their confidence in cooking because I always swooped in to take over and do it better. That was awful to hear, but it made sense.’
Georgina adds that by trying so hard to solve other people’s problems for them, you can often – ironically – leave them feeling alone and unheard. ‘When you’re busy trying to fix and rescue, you’re not really listening,’ she says. ‘You’re distracted: taking over and trying to be one step ahead. But good listening, active listening, is at the heart of a healthy relationship. When you share a problem with someone else, you don’t always want them to rescue you. Often, you just want that sense of empathy – that they’re doing their best to understand how you’re feeling.’
A new direction
For people who are used to rescuing, it can be deeply uncomfortable to begin stepping back and trying to do things differently. But the good news is that working through the discomfort can lead to positive change.
Sarah finds the support of her husband is helping her to stay on track as she battles with this discomfort, which gives her the space to keep self-reflecting. ‘He has a strong sense of self and he gently queries my automatic behaviours,’ she explains. ‘Deep down, I might have been doing so much rescuing because I really wanted someone to rescue me. Now, I know it’s okay to ask for help – being authentic and vulnerable will lead to deeper connections. I’m still struggling with this, but I’m starting to have better boundaries and a healthier sense that other people can do a great job too, or even better.’
Georgina applauds Sarah’s work to become more self-aware and take steps to transform this well-trodden dynamic – a journey that has the potential to prod at deep emotional wounds. ‘If rescuing is a default or instinctive pattern, it can be incredibly difficult to switch off,’ she says. ‘Subconsciously, you may have decided that if you fail to rescue others, this will lead to rejection – that you are shameful or not good enough as you are.’
Unlearning years or even decades of habitual rescuing can be complex, but also a freeing and empowering journey to embark on. Through self-awareness and compassion, you can learn how to have more balanced relationships and begin to prioritise yourself.
Ways to break free
Are you ready to release your inner rescuer? Following these steps can help set you on a new path.
Give yourself a time-out
When the urge to rescue strikes, resist it by simply pausing for a moment. ‘See if you can hold back and observe what happens,’ says Georgina. ‘Maybe you’ll give someone else a turn to offer support.’
Allow other people to make mistakes
By recognising that you aren’t responsible for other people’s lives or choices, you can take some of the pressure off yourself. ‘Perhaps you’ll empower the person to find their own solutions,’ Georgina says.
Consider your boundaries
A natural instinct to rescue can often go hand in hand with poor boundaries. ‘Are you always available to help others? Do they know that you will drop everything? Consider whether you can challenge this,’ suggests Georgina.
Get curious about your triggers
Do you find that you’re assertive with colleagues, but a 24/7 rescuer with your adult children? Or does one specific friend expect you to drop everything when they call, because that’s the way it’s always been? ‘Once you notice these triggers, it can be easier to manage them,’ says Georgina.
Question the underlying emotion
When the impulse to save someone kicks in, take a moment to consider why you’re feeling this way. ‘Learn to recognise the thoughts and gently question where your patterns come from,’ Sarah advises. ‘Are you desperate to help this person for them, or for yourself?’
Prioritise looking after yourself
Self-care isn’t just about taking bubble baths – it can be as simple as switching your phone off for the night and heading to bed. ‘Being a rescuer often means that you neglect your own self-care,’ says Georgina. ‘So if you want to start making changes, it’s important to put yourself at the top of the to-do list.’
Find more about Georgina Sturmer’s work at georginasturmer.co.uk