A leisurely browse of the sunglasses, a spritz of Jo Malone’s latest scent, I even consider buying a giant Toblerone, just for the fun of it. Breezing around London Gatwick’s north terminal on a quiet Monday afternoon, I’m in my element. It’s the most relaxed I’ve been in months. Far from being bored or lonely, I’m simply enjoying being anonymous.
Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with family, friends and colleagues. I love being around people. But sometimes it feels good to be alone and wander through life quietly for a while. It’s like wearing an invisibility cloak.
In a world where celebrity is lauded and being recognised is a badge of honour, there can be a pressure to perform and conform. But interacting with people all the time can be exhausting, and sometimes it’s good to take a break and go unnoticed for a while.
Invisibility can be liberating
As a regular solo traveller, I’ve gained more confidence being on my own in a new city than anywhere else. ‘Being anonymous can feel like shedding a skin,’ says counsellor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer. ‘In our everyday lives, we are all bound by the expectations of those around us. Some of these are concrete, explicit demands that are made on us, in terms of our behaviour and actions. Some are internal, the messages that we’ve absorbed throughout our lives about whether our behaviour is acceptable or we are likeable. But being anonymous can liberate us from these expectations. For some it brings a sense of freedom, for others it might feel a little disconcerting. If you’re used to pleasing others, you might not know how to cope when you don’t have external demands to meet. But once you get used to it, it can bring a real sense of joy and freedom.’
Time for yourself
It’s important to note that it’s a different state to being isolated, lonely or ignored. It’s about actively choosing to blend into a crowd to focus on yourself for a while. This freedom from expectation allows for personal reflection, a chance to see who you really are and maybe consider who you might want to be.
In her New York Times article, How to Be Invisible, acclaimed design, culture and nature writer Akiko Busch talks about the benefits of social invisibility and positions it as a salve to modern society’s look-at-me mentality: ‘Escaping notice need not be about complacent isolation, mindless conformity or humiliating anonymity. When circumstance confers invisibility upon us, perhaps it is something to appreciate and even welcome, as some iteration of the small imprint, low-impact living it makes sense to aspire to.’ And she’s right, being anonymous isn’t about losing yourself. In fact, it can foster more confidence than standing out, even if no one else notices.
Anonymity isn’t just about being invisible, though. It’s also about being true to yourself. ‘As a therapist, I see how being anonymous creates a fascinating psychological reset,’ says anxiety therapy specialist Vic Paterson. ‘When we’re somewhere new and nobody knows our story, we’re temporarily freed from all our usual roles – parent, partner, professional. No one’s expecting anything from us. There’s no need to be someone’s competent colleague, perfect parent or reliable friend. Instead of disappearing, we become more ourselves. It’s what people mean when they come back from holiday and say: “I remember who I am again.” And without the weight of others’ expectations and histories with us, we can start to hear our own thoughts more clearly again.’
Journey of discovery
Ryan Murphy’s 2010 movie, Eat Pray Love, based on the memoir of the same name by Elizabeth Gilbert, beautifully captures the joy and transformative power of anonymity in new places. In the story, Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts) embarks on a solo journey across Italy, India and Bali after a tough divorce. Being anonymous in unfamiliar places allows her to rediscover herself, connect with new people and heal emotionally.
It happened to Tess Caven, co-founder of walking membership app and fundraising initiative Trundl, when she moved to Hong Kong from London in the 1990s. ‘I loved being the outsider. It was so refreshing – and sometimes challenging – to build a new life without the safety net of friends or family. Knowing that every outcome was going to be based on my own endeavour and personality was quite exhilarating.’
Confidence booster
As a sociable extravert, I often feel the expectation to be on all the time. But being anonymous allows me to rest and recharge. Again, though, it’s important to recognise that going into a situation to be unnoticed is a choice and different from feeling lonely. As psychotherapist and anxiety expert Kamalyn Kaur explains: ‘Appreciating the state of being anonymous or invisible requires a mindset shift and intentional practice. You have to view invisibility as a choice that could transform into an enriching experience, rather than looking at it as a limitation.
‘We can learn who we truly are when we’re not performing or conforming to societal expectations and pressures. As you begin to switch off to the outside noise and tune more into the voice and intuition within, you’ll become more aligned with who you are as a person. This can give you clarity and an increased self-awareness which you would otherwise miss, and this level of connection with yourself will boost your self-confidence.’
If you consider the natural world, where camouflaging is often needed for survival – the arctic fox, the octopus, the chameleon – going unnoticed is powerful. Says psychotherapist and wellness coach Tina Chummun: ‘There are also psychological benefits to being anonymous for a while. It encourages mindfulness, whether it’s dining alone or walking through an unfamiliar neighbourhood. The lack of social obligations in these moments provides space for introspection and personal growth, enhancing emotional resilience and self-reliance.’
Of course, the choice to be anonymous is a relatively modern privilege. When the world was scarcely populated and people rarely travelled far, everybody knew everyone and their business. Being able to choose to be invisible in a large city is a gift. You can try out new things, practise your language skills, maybe wear a beret. But more importantly, you can fail or succeed quietly and without public scrutiny. As I potter around the duty-free shop in the north terminal, entirely happy in my own company, I think what I truly relish about this anonymity is not being accountable to anyone except myself.
Ways to enjoy anonymity
- Consider new locations for everyday activities; shopping, walking the dog, a different gym.
- Spend the day in a new town.
- Take yourself on a solo coffee date.
Find out more about Georgina at georginasturmer.co.uk, Vic at fantasticday.coach, Kamalyn at kamalynkaur.com and Tina at care2counsel.com
If you’re spending more time than you’d like feeling invisible, there are services and charities that can help, including the Befriending Network – befriending.co.uk; Meetup – meetup.com; Silverline – thesilverline.org.uk; and the Red Cross – redcross.org.uk