If you see a friend or loved one on the brink of a big life decision that you’re confident isn’t right for them, it’s hard to know what to do with your feelings. Whether it’s a relocation, new partner, career change, business venture, relationship break-up or something else, your knowledge of their preferences, values and experiences might be screaming at you that they’re about to make a mistake. Yet they seem certain – even excited – about their next steps. So, what do you do? Intervene and make your feelings heard? Or sit back and watch the consequences unfold?
There are, of course, some circumstances where the answer is clear cut. Addictive behaviour and toxic, life-threatening situations require a different set of tools to those being explored here. Instead, the kind of decisions we’re looking at are those where something seems out of character, poorly timed or not entirely thought through. That might be a friend cutting off a sibling when emotions are running high in the wake of a parent’s death, or someone following their dream to open a café but in the middle of an economic downturn. How you deal with dilemmas like these can feel like a make-or-break situation.
Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of the Chelsea Psychology Clinic in London, acknowledges that it’s a challenge. ‘The emotional conflict often stems from wanting to respect [the person’s] autonomy while also caring deeply about their wellbeing,’ she says. ‘You may also worry about damaging the relationship by stepping in or feeling regret if you don’t speak up and something goes wrong.’
As with anything, there are advantages and disadvantages to both approaches. Sharing your thoughts one-to-one with the person concerned could potentially strengthen your relationship. Claire Fitzsimmons is a certified emotions coach practitioner and co-founder of wellbeing company If Lost Start Here. She says that, when it’s done well, intervening can be beneficial to your relationship as well as your friend’s decision-making: ‘Intervening can take courage, but when we come from a place of vulnerability, bonds can be strengthened.’ If you’re approaching the issue from a place of care and support, it’s also an opportunity to show your friend that you have their back. ‘You’re doing your due diligence as a friend,’ says Claire. ‘You might be able to see something that they can’t, and you’re making sure your friend can see it, too.’
Indeed, Claire adds that it might be that your friend hasn’t thought about all of the downsides or consequences of their decision: ‘With confirmation bias, your friend might be scanning for evidence that supports their decision. You get to provide a counterpoint.’
Of course, there are potential risks associated with the intervention route. ‘Your friend might hear your thoughts as judgment rather than support. They might become defensive about their decision and even stop confiding in you about it,’ says Claire, who speaks from personal experience. ‘When I left my first career, I was aware of who did and didn’t approve [of my decision] and I changed how I talked about it accordingly, holding back where I suspected judgment and sharing more where I could see support.’ There’s also the chance that your friend could misinterpret your advice as manipulation: ‘If they feel like you’re trying to force your opinions and push a “right” decision, they might not be so receptive.’
You might feel relieved to find a moment to get things off your chest, but at what cost? ‘You’re not the one who lives out your advice – they are. Whatever their ultimate decision, it’s their life, not yours,’ adds Claire.
Hanging back
Your alternative is to sit back and try to get on board with your friend’s decision. ‘Joining them in their excitement might be what they need to navigate this big change,’ says Claire. This is supported by Elena: ‘By stepping back, you’re putting trust in their ability to make their own decisions, which can strengthen the relationship.’ This doesn’t, of course, mean it will be plain sailing, especially if things don’t turn out as your friend hoped. Says Claire: ‘You may feel guilt or regret that you didn’t say something when you had the chance, especially if their life change leads to hardship or distress. It might also affect your relationship in a negative manner if you consistently choose to look the other way. Avoidance might become the paradigm of your relationship. Passive behaviour and a fear of conflict can foster a belief that you must always agree, which may limit your relationship potential.’
Choosing your moment
Whatever the circumstances, if you’ve decided that it is necessary to say your piece, you’ll want to avoid coming across as judgmental, manipulative or even jealous. Timing is key. ‘Ideally, you’d share your reservations as early as possible,’ says Claire. At the airport as they’re heading for the wedding resort, or the morning they’re due to complete on a house purchase or hand in their notice, is best avoided – leave such drama for TV scriptwriters. ‘Get a sense of where they are in their decision-making. If it’s gone too far and there’s no going back, it’s likely best to support them through it and be there for them whatever happens,’ she adds.
It’s also best to avoid times when emotions are high. Says Elena: ‘Try to approach the conversation when they’re in a good headspace to listen. Look for moments where they seem open to discussing their decision – perhaps they express doubt or ask for advice.’ That done, take care to respect the conversation for what it is and give the moment your full focus. This could be a landmark moment in your friendship, after all. Make sure your phone is put away and you are somewhere you won’t be disturbed. ‘Bring your full attention and be present,’ says Claire. ‘Give space for that conversation. Try not to throw it in at the end of your coffee date.’ If you’re not able to meet in person, prioritise time and privacy as much as you can – you could plan a video call, for example, which would also offer you the benefit of non-verbal cues.
Finding your words
When it comes to what to say, it can be challenging. Try to remain open and curious about their decision, rather than seeing your meeting as an opportunity to drive home your opinion. You might think intervening means you’ll do most of the talking, but listening is paramount. Be equally open to your opinion changing, too. ‘Try sentences like: “I know you’re excited about X. What else might be coming up for you? What else are you feeling?”’ says Claire. ‘This can help someone embrace their full emotional experience rather than just their excitement, which might be obstructing the full picture.’
When you express your concern, Elena says to be as gentle as you can, so your friend knows you’re coming from a place of love and care. ‘Phrases like: “I understand you’re excited and I trust your judgment, but can I share some thoughts that are on my mind?” can open the door for a conversation without making someone feel criticised or lectured. ‘Use “I” statements. [For example], “I’m worried about how this might affect you” – rather than “You’re making a mistake”. This makes it clear you’re sharing a perspective, not a judgment.’
Remember, this isn’t a debate where the aim is to persuade your friend of the value of another outcome. It’s to show you care about them but that you also respect their decision. ‘Be careful with definitive statements like “This won’t work” or “You’re wrong”,’ adds Elena. ‘They can shut down the conversation and make them less likely to listen. Focus on offering support, even if they choose to move forward with their decision.’
No matter how close your relationship, how honest you are with each other and whether the outcome you fear comes to pass, there’s always a danger your friend might take offence. Try not to take this personally. If your words of concern are heeded and help save a loved one losing money to a scammer or a family from being torn apart during bereavement, then your tactful intervention will have been effective. Equally, however, your doubts might be listened to, carefully considered and rightly ignored. Your friend might open a café on what you think is the wrong street at the wrong time with absolutely no experience, but manage to turn it into a roaring success. Whatever the outcome, tread carefully and be tactful, kind and supportive. The important thing is that you’re there for them at life’s big moments.
Still not sure what’s for the best?
Try Claire’s five questions to help you decide
- What’s your motivation? Only ever intervene out of care. Consider if there might be any underlying selfish reasons at play.
- How are you feeling? Your friend is feeling excitement, but what about you? Envy, judgment or fear might be behind your desire to get involved.
- Have their values changed? This can happen and might explain their decision – and your reaction.
- What would happen if you stepped into their excitement? It’s easy to be suspicious of excitement and want to bring someone back to reality. Try to question this knee-jerk reaction.
- How are your differences impacting your views? Consider if your perspective is really as close to your friend’s as you think. People’s views and goals are influenced by many factors, including religion, class, gender, sexuality, race and income.
For more about Elena’s work, visit thechelseapsychologyclinic.com. Claire’s work can be explored at ifloststarthere.com