Can you remember what happened the last time you managed to get to ‘inbox zero’, reached the bottom of the washing basket or ticked off every task on your daily to-do list? How did it feel? And how long did that sense of accomplishment last? Chances are, you soon noticed the emails arriving again, the dirty laundry pile growing and your diary filling up. In today’s busy, achievement-focused society, the concept of being finished is fleeting. There’s so much focus on hitting goals – perhaps reaching a fitness target, completing a course or entering a particular income bracket. But there’ll always be another, higher qualification to strive for, the messages and emails will keep piling up and the goals you’re hustling towards might never bring you contentment.
Success is fluid, life is uncertain and more time is spent on the journey than at the destination. There’s something freeing about cultivating a state of mind that allows you to step away from a project half-finished to spend time with your family, move the goalposts when an ambition turns out to be unrealistic or sleep through the night without waking up worrying about your endless to-do list for the following day. Life is untidy and it can be liberating to accept that you will always be unfinished.
Ineffective proposition
Some people devote huge amounts of time and attention to pursuing a vision of what they want their lives to look like. Have you ever told yourself that when you gain a promotion, own a particular brand of car, run a marathon, write a book or finally relax on the beach holiday you’ve worked so hard for, then you’ll be happy? Jim Taylor is a psychologist from San Francisco in the US. He specialises in personal growth, performance, sport and parenting, and is the author of 18 books, as well as a successful blog. He says that pursuing the concept of being happy when a certain thing has been done, obtained or achieved is ‘wholly unsatisfying and ineffective’. He explains: ‘Looking for closure is unachievable because life is never closed – until you die.’
Jim says that one mistake people often make when they hit a target and don’t feel the corresponding peace and contentment is concluding that they ‘simply didn’t choose a finish line that was far enough away’. You might set yourself a bigger challenge – running an ultramarathon, writing a trilogy, moving up the corporate ladder or gaining a greater net worth – but the end result can be a vicious cycle of chasing your tail.
Intrusive thoughts
Leaving tasks unfinished can feel mentally intrusive. Maybe you find it impossible to relax in the evening before you’ve done the dishes or there’s a nagging feeling at the back of your mind when you take a day off work and a project deadline is looming. Researchers call this the Zeigarnik effect because it was first observed by Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik. She noticed that failing to complete a task creates underlying cognitive tension, meaning unfulfilled goals and unfinished work feel like a burden. These intrusive thoughts can push you into rushing and multitasking in a bid to ease the mental discomfort, but this is counterproductive as you become more distracted.
If you’re struggling with the pressure of unfinished business, breaking down a project or goal into smaller chunks or acknowledging what you have completed in a day, rather than what you haven’t, can be helpful. You could adopt a simple flag system to help you feel more in control of your inbox or diary, or put an ‘X’ on the calendar for every day that you write for 30 minutes or go out for a walk.
Jim explains how striving for finishing lines often causes real stress and anxiety: ‘That need for closure exists for survival reasons. Prehistoric humans wouldn’t have left the cave without checking for sabre-toothed tigers, but there are no sabre-toothed tigers in modern life.’ Leaving things open-ended causes feelings of discomfort because anything might happen. The human brain can’t always differentiate between sabre-toothed tigers and the modern-day threats of an overflowing inbox or looming deadline.
Unfinished product
Accepting that – as Jim says – ‘you won’t find happiness at the finish line’ doesn’t mean giving up on goals, procrastinating or allowing dreams to slip away. Just because you might never finish, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start. But you can also acknowledge that living a life controlled by to-do lists is not the path to joy. Achievements can bring a short-term feeling of accomplishment, pride or satisfaction, but there’s no big pay-off in terms of longer-term happiness and contentment. ‘Once you get there, you realise there is no there,’ says Jim. ‘You think when you get to a certain place you’ll feel a sense of happiness, contentment, peace or nirvana, but you don’t.’
Instead, try swapping the goal of ‘there’ for ‘here’. If you think of life as a journey, then Jim suggests finding a way to enjoy the process by appreciating the waystations along the road. ‘Take a deep breath and say to yourself: “I’m good.” Recognising that you’re okay right now doesn’t mean you have to stop moving or growing.’
Closer look
If you’re the type of person who drives yourself hard or falls into self-criticism when things aren’t finished, Jim suggests thinking more deeply about how you feel in those moments, and what might be the underlying cause: ‘You might feel that no matter what you do, it’s never enough.’ Look at the thoughts that are holding you back, whether it’s keeping up with the Joneses, the modern achievement culture online or perhaps messages you internalised as a child from parents or teachers with high expectations. Are those messages still serving you now?
Antidote to overwhelm
At the end of your life, what do you think will matter? The time you spent getting your admin done, special moments with family and friends or being in flow doing something you really love? There are no prizes for multitasking your way through the day or having an empty inbox at the end of it. Allowing things to become a little more unstructured and accepting that you will never be done until the end of your life is a powerful antidote to overwhelm. It affords time to focus more on life’s pleasures (see below for prompts to help you achieve this).
Jim says: ‘It’s the little moments along the journey that bring us a sense of meaning or purpose. Things like sitting down for dinner with a family member, a good conversation or a creative-writing session are all things that fuel and nourish the soul.’ If you’re too busy striving, you risk missing those little moments. Passion, meaning, purpose, love, creativity and connection can all be part of the process.
So, next time you’re putting yourself under pressure to get everything finished and every detail sewn up, try thinking of the bigger picture and the happiness that making time for life’s pleasures can bring.
Let it go
Try these journal prompts to embrace never being finished
- If I don’t complete this task now, what’s the worst thing that could happen – and would that really be so bad?
- Will I still be worrying about this deadline, task or to-do list in six months’ time?
- What are three unfinished tasks that I find particularly triggering? How do I feel in those moments and where does that come from?
- What could I do to practise self-care in this moment?
- Are there any emotions I’m trying to avoid by distracting myself with this task? What are they?
- How might I feel if I allow myself to be still and experience a moment of ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’?
Learn more about Jim’s work at drjimtaylor.com