Whether you’re married, cohabiting with a sibling, flatmate or romantic partner, or have a genuinely close friend, you might be dependent on someone else to a greater or lesser extent – and they might be dependent on you. Perhaps, day-to-day, you’re always available to them – and vice versa – in a way you’re not to others – say, in how you choose to reply to their messages more quickly than anyone else’s. You might also share practical tasks, be it managing bills or putting out the bins. But dependence often comes into its own on a deeper level. Among other things, a healthy, interdependent relationship can lead to confident, well-balanced decision-making, with both sides offering equally valued, independent opinions.
Codependence vs interdependence
At the other end of the dependency spectrum, a codependent relationship involves an over-reliance by one or both partners on the other, often at the expense of their personal wellbeing. There might be near-constant calls when you’re apart, an imbalance in the amount of work put in to looking after the home, plus an underlying sense of insecurity. Financial decisions, meanwhile, might be made unilaterally by one person when they affect both parties or, at times, specifically the non-consulted partner. Persuasion tactics might also be used to suggest they were positive about and in agreement with the decision all along.
It’s clear, then, that they are two different relationship states, but many people, particularly in societies that value independence, bundle them together. ‘Often, in modern society, adult success can be defined by economic independence, usually achieved through productivity and self-reliance,’ says family psychotherapist Gisele Caseiras at LikeMinds, which offers online and in-person holistic and wellbeing services. But rejection of dependence, in any form, can mean missing out on the many positives of healthy, interdependent relationships.
Feeling valued
Ammanda Major, relationship counsellor and clinical quality director at UK-based charity Relate, has counselled many couples struggling to get the balance right. She agrees that interdependence can be a powerful force for good: ‘Ultimately, it helps us feel valued. Now what that means exactly is very personal to you, but you will also feel nurtured, respected and cared about. This, in turn, can improve your mental health and ability to relate to other people. For some groups of people, such as those who have fought to gain independence, that is very, very important and should be encouraged.’
But if healthy interdependence is beneficial, how does it go wrong? Ammanda says it can be hard to spot if and when the shift happens: ‘People can get into codependent situations without realising it.’ Some of the traits often attributed to codependent relationships, for example, include an inability to make independent decisions, people-pleasing and not feeling good without your partner. But these can also be present in healthy, interdependent relationships. ‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please your partner or best friend,’ says Ammanda. ‘You absolutely should want to do things for them that make them feel good about themselves and feel happy in the relationship, [but] the problem arises when it’s you doing all of that and you’re not getting anything back.’
And this is what it boils down to. If these behaviours are reciprocated enough for you, they most probably fit into a healthy, interdependent relationship. ‘A strong relationship should involve joint decision-making, especially when related to shared goals,’ says Gisele. ‘This only becomes a problem when there’s an inability to make any decision – when you’re always having to consult your partner beforehand, even when the decision should be all yours.’
Dependency spectrum
A healthy relationship also involves flexible give-and-take that doesn’t cause guilt when you’re on the ‘take’ side of affairs or resentment when you’re the ‘giver’. For example, says Ammanda: ‘If your partner’s very sad or unhappy, are you able to step forward and support them, confident in the knowledge that when you’re feeling very sad and unhappy, your partner will be there for you? People pleasers often attract partners who want a people pleaser, and these are the kinds of relationships that can get out of kilter.’
For some, of course, it might be difficult to pinpoint where on the dependency spectrum their relationship falls. In this case, it can be useful to explore prompts, which will help to bring a greater understanding.
Often, codependence is discussed in the context of having one ‘giver’ and one ‘taker’, but this isn’t always the case. In some relationships, for example, there might be two ‘givers’, with both feeling that their sacrifices and effort are unappreciated. ‘Both feel belittled and unheard by the other, and yet they stay together,’ says Ammanda, ‘[so] it’s important for each person to take responsibility for their own unhealthy behaviours – what they’re both contributing to the dynamic. This can open up avenues of conversation and opportunities for improvement.’ An important exception is when one partner is a coercive controller, in which case that person would need individual, rather than couples, therapy to be able to move forward in the relationship.
Complex area
What’s clear is that a codependent relationship has many complexities. If, however, some elements explored here sound familiar, and you’re wondering if it’s possible to bring your relationship back onto healthier territory, Ammanda has welcome news. ‘Yes, absolutely [it is],’ she says, ‘[and] couples can do that for themselves or they could do it through couples therapy, or by involving friends who can help them see different perspectives of themselves.’
Deciding that your relationship isn’t making you feel good is the first step. Next, you need to raise the subject with your friend, partner or sibling. Through honest conversation, it’s possible to work together to bring about positive change. But what happens if you feel unable to voice your concerns or, when you do, nothing changes? ‘It may be that this relationship is not right for you if your partner makes little to no effort to change,’ says Ammanda. ‘In my therapeutic experience, the person who’s doing most of the taking will sometimes struggle to see that. If there’s no change, a codependent relationship can become wearing and begin to chip away at your self-worth.’
One way of keeping a balance is to encourage specific behaviours within the relationship. Whether you think a friend is being controlling over upcoming holiday plans or a sibling is being overbearing about cleanliness in your co-owned home, Gisele urges open communication and clear boundaries. Independent interests are also important for a well-rounded sense of self. Consider also if you’ve given up part of your identity since a relationship intensified. Is there a hobby or interest you could weave back into your life?
Alongside this, Gisele highlights the positive impact of shared experiences, goals and responsibilities: ‘When we connect with others who share our values and goals, we create a sense of shared purpose, which can lead to a more profound emotional connection. This can inspire people to work towards something more significant than their goals, creating a feeling of inner satisfaction.’
Interdependence within relationships is often viewed with suspicion, but for many, including experts like Ammanda, it has myriad benefits. It’s quite possible, too, that successful real-life relationships in your circle have interdependent roots. ‘Because of social media, it can feel like relationships have to be bigger, better and more glamorous,’ says Ammanda, ‘but we lose sight of the ordinariness in relationships that help people feel heard and connected. It’s the gel that binds us.’
Equal footing
As with most things, the key is balance. Independence and codependency are two opposing ends of the same spectrum. Somewhere in the middle is the optimum level of interdependency for you and a significant other, be that a romantic partner, a family member, a close friend or a flatmate. It can be tricky finding it, but when you do, both sides will feel equal, valued and in a position to aim high.
To find out more about Gisele’s work, visit likeminds.london. If you would like to seek professional help regarding a relationship with a partner, family member or friend, visit relate.org.uk. You can also find a link to the charity’s ‘Ask Ammanda’ question-and-answer series here: relate.org.uk/ask-ammanda