‘Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night?’ exclaims the stern Malvolio to some high-spirited merrymakers in Act II of Shakespeare’s comedy Twelfth Night. Known for his dislike of loud, drunken fun, Malvolio might be at the extreme end of party-pooper territory, but his preference for a quiet night in and determined avoidance of the noisy revelry that seems popular with everyone around him, might strike a chord with some. And even those who enjoy an occasional night on the town will have times when they’d prefer to stay home.
Making a change
That said, it can be challenging to navigate the transition from full-time party animal to part-time (and selective) socialiser, especially if it puts you out of step with friends or pits you against peers who follow the go-hard-or-go-home mantra. So what can you do if you’re longing for the quiet life but your friends still love a big night out?
If you’re someone who’s begun to find being around large groups of people tiring or have grown weary of too many late nights, it’s important to do two things. Firstly, establish new ways to socialise. Secondly, schedule downtime between get-togethers. It might make you feel uncomfortable and even a little awkward, but bear in mind that it’s quite possible that others share your feelings. Psychotherapist Nicholas Rose says: ‘We’re always changing and so are our friends. It can be useful to remember that raising [the prospect of] change can be helpful. So often people keep routines that don’t suit them and, when someone suggests a change [from the norm], it can actually rejuvenate a friendship.’
It’s also completely natural for people’s preferences – be that what they eat, drink or how they socialise with friends – to change. It could be that where you once enjoyed a busy bar and chatting with friends into the early hours, you now prefer a mid-morning coffee catch-up. And where a sleep-in was once a treat, it might be that you now like to be up with the lark, which makes late nights less appealing. Or perhaps you never liked party culture that much but are only now beginning to become more attuned to your values or to feel comfortable enough to veer away from the crowd. It’s less about introversion or extroversion and more to do with being true to yourself and, often, adjusting to shifting priorities.
Finding new pleasures
As an example, Sarah Ives, who’s in her late 30s and from Derbyshire in the UK, says: ‘Socialising for me used to involve dressing up to the nines with pre-drinks followed by busy bars and dancing until the early hours. Slowly I realised it was getting difficult to chat properly to friends and started rating bars by how easy it was to find a seat in a quiet place so we could talk.’ The good news for those who feel the same is that there are other ways to spend time with friends, including hiking, cooking or crafting. ‘Now I love nothing more than meeting friends during the day,’ says Sarah, ‘ideally for a walk and chat in nature, a drink or two in a quiet country pub or some tea and cake in a pretty café.’ One way to embrace change is to reflect on what you enjoy now. As Nicholas says: ‘Having ways to regularly take time to reflect on what works for you and what doesn’t means you’re more able to spot when changes might be helpful. Journalling can be great for this.’
Altered feelings
Even for those certain they don’t want to be out all night, declining an invitation can be difficult, particularly if it’s from close friends. Many also worry about saying a polite ‘No, thank you’ for fear they won’t be invited out again, especially if it’s a kind suggestion and there’s unvoiced pressure to accept.
A recent study by US academics Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explores the worries people have about declining invitations. They write: ‘But saying no can be hard. We worry about the negative ramifications that might arise. Will the person who offered the invitation be angry? Will they think I do not care about them? Will they invite me to do something again down the road? Questions like this run through our head, making it challenging to turn down invitations.’
The findings offer some reassurance, though. Apparently, the impact of a ‘No, thanks’ is smaller than people imagine. If the refusal is delivered politely (see the last point in the panel, opposite) and alternative options to socialise are suggested, it’s possible to decline events that no longer appeal and arrange new, preferred ways to socialise with friends and family. It requires honest, open and tactful communication about how your feelings have changed, but it’s still possible to enjoy a rounded social life with friends you care about.
Nicholas has the following suggestion: ‘Explain how you feel when you imagine yourself in the situation. If you think you would feel this way irrespective of who the invitation was from, then say so, as this prevents friends from taking your decision personally. You might also choose to acknowledge that they could have difficult feelings about your decision.’
Change can be notoriously difficult to navigate and it’s natural to worry about what others think, especially people who are important to you. But if you’re desperate to stop painting the town any colour and are instead craving long, leisurely chats, know that it can be done and, unlike the judgmental Malvolio, there’ll be no need to face isolation.
Change the scene
How to switch down a gear socially
Get to know yourself
Techniques like journalling can help you pinpoint how you most enjoy spending your free time. You might like to jot down an outline of your ideal day or keep a diary of events and look back over it to get a clear impression of what kinds of activities you enjoyed the most.
Reflect on what works
Post-events, make notes on how you felt about the occasion, including whether you felt energised or depleted of energy. Nicholas suggests structuring your thoughts with the following three questions:
- How am I feeling emotionally and in my body?
- How can I make sense of these feelings?
- What would I like to do about them?
Make social swaps
Look at calmer ways to connect with others and choose locations where the activity is focused more on conversation. This means you can still connect with friends but without the late nights and noisy venues, if that isn’t for you.
Embrace change
Some friendships might not be quite the same any more but that’s okay and doesn’t mean they weren’t important. It’s normal for some relationships to last only for certain life phases. Try to embrace the change and enjoy the benefits of friendship and connection in ways that suit you best.
Build in breaks
If you still enjoy the occasional night out, but find too many are overwhelming, include time to recuperate between events. Plan only as many per month as feels sustainable.
Set gentle boundaries
This applies to yourself and others, so you might suggest meeting earlier or make it clear that you’ll only be out until a certain time.
Say ‘no’ nicely
To avoid being seen as disapproving or judgmental – as per Malvolio – politely and kindly turn down invitations. Acknowledge your gratitude at having being asked along and be careful not to hurt your friend’s feelings.