Imagine that you’re having a relaxing day off. With oodles of free time, you stroll to your favourite café to treat yourself to something delicious. Suddenly, your calm turns to discomfort, as the person behind you in line is standing too close. And each time you edge away, they edge closer.
Most people will have experienced versions of this, whether it’s someone sitting right next to you on the train (despite an array of empty seats), walking in touching distance on a quiet pavement or leaning over you in the chilled-foods aisle. And it’s not just strangers who can get too close. Perhaps you have an acquaintance or colleague who leans in too much when they speak. Or a friend who loves to faire la bise, so that every time you meet, they go for not just one kiss but two. You grin and bear it but feel out of sorts. What is it about someone invading your personal space that makes your stomach lurch?
Primal need
According to Swedish-born clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas, host of the Pause Purpose Play podcast for ambitious women with perfectionistic tendencies, preserving personal space is instinctive. ‘We’re wired for nurture, connection and belonging, and often live on top of each other in shared households. Yet, at the same time we need space to be quiet, reflect and regulate our nervous systems,’ says Michaela, who runs her practice from London. ‘We have a tricky brain with opposing drives and needs, because there’s a basic, reptilian part of the brain that doesn’t like to be in close proximity to others. That’s a natural feeling that’s hardwired and we do damage to our self-worth when we override it.’
In fact, neuroscientists have found that unless you have a specific brain injury, you have the equivalent of an invisible, personal protective bubble around you. This bubble is regulated by the part of the brain called the amygdala, which has many functions, including controlling the emotion of fear. It automatically does a series of calculations to create a comfortable radius based on how you feel and who’s around. It’s a multi-sensory experience that includes vision, hearing and touch. In each social interaction, this bubble either increases or decreases – to keep you feeling safe. This is why too little space causes the fear response to kick in. But this defensive drive competes with social pressure to be polite and say nothing.
‘We feel hostile when someone invades our personal space, and we need this for our safety,’ says Michaela. ‘Instead, we tend to worry about what other people think, and criticise ourselves.’
How big is your bubble?
In science, the consensus is that there are four different bubbles, each of which depends on the relationship you have with whoever happens to be near you. First is intimate space, reserved for family, lovers and close friends, which extends up to 46cm. The next bubble, personal space, goes from 46cm to 1.2 metres, and is the distance commonly used with friends and acquaintances. Then comes social space, which relates to strangers or new acquaintances, and is between 1.2 and 3.6 metres. Public space is anything beyond that.
When you factor in culture, the distances for each of these types of interaction vary considerably. A study by online learning platform Preply analysed the amount of personal space various nations needed from strangers. The UK was placed at 23 in a list of 56 countries, with the average British person needing just under one metre of space – less than people in China, Portugal and India. People in Austria, Colombia and Argentina needed the least personal space, and people in Romania and Hungary needed the most. ‘People tend to need more personal space in places where it’s colder and people live further apart,’ says Michaela. ‘In Sweden, we tend to sit further away and don’t touch people as much as those in the UK,’ she adds.
Everyone’s different
It’s not just geography that has an impact. Someone from a family of huggers will naturally get closer to others than someone who grew up shaking hands. Similarly, if you’ve had a bad experience of being squashed in a crowd, you’re likely to feel claustrophobic more quickly than someone who associates lots of people with the euphoria of a pop concert. If you’ve had the misfortune of being mugged in the street, a person nudging too close can make you protective of your sense of self as well as your wallet. ‘If someone’s been affected by trauma, proximity may not feel safe. They might not trust people, or be able to let their guard down, for fear they may be hurt,’ says Michaela.
Neurodivergence can also affect a person’s bubbles. ‘For some autistic people it can be agonising to be touched – their heightened sensitivity makes it feel painful. But everyone is unique,’ says Michaela. Some autistic people, for example, might not realise when they’re standing too close to others and unintentionally making them feel uncomfortable.
Judging boundaries
So, how do you know when to keep your distance, or to ask for more space? Social interactions are a dance in which everyone participates. Being conscious of your own personal space and that of others can help you better understand the people you meet and how at ease – or otherwise – they feel in your presence. For example, research has shown that confident people, and those in authority, tend to have the smallest bubbles and may unwittingly approach too close to others. Older generations and women prefer to stand further apart, while anxious people and those who have experienced trauma tend to need a larger personal space. Understanding this enables you both to put up a protective bubble-wrap in times of distress and be aware of others who might need space.
It might help to imagine your personal space as an extendable hoop. Sometimes the hoop will form a large space all around you, every now and then it’ll come closer to your body and occasionally it’ll seem to disappear. The important thing is you’re in charge of the hoop’s dimensions.
Greta is the author of Heart, Sass & Soul. She’s also a journalist specialising in mental health, emotional wellbeing and the transformative power of journalling. Sign up for her newsletter at gretasolomon.substack.com
To find out more about Michaela, visit thethomasconnection.co.uk
Space invaders
Michaela’s tips on how to get the distance you need – and making sure you give enough room to others
Use body language
If you’re in a situation that you can’t avoid, cross your arms over your body in a holding position to protect yourself. Alternatively, place an object such as a bag between you and the other person.
Trust yourself
Don’t stay next to someone who makes you feel unsafe. Listen to your instincts. Give yourself permission to trust what your body is telling you and move away.
Speak up when you can
If you can’t move away, simply say: ‘Do you mind giving me a bit of space, as it’s hard to breathe.’ Remember, boundaries don’t need to be aggressive – you can be compassionately assertive.
Get support
Depending on the cause, anxiety tends to lessen when you try to tolerate the situation. When you do the same thing over time, it gets easier. But that’s not the same for people who are neurodivergent. If that’s you, make sure you have support and systems in place.
Express your needs
Although you might feel vulnerable and exposed speaking up in difficult situations, it’s important to try. At work, have a confidential conversation with your line manager and get reasonable adjustments in place, such as not going to networking events or sitting close to others in team meetings. In your personal life, let friends know which behaviours you find too intimate.
Be kind to yourself (and others)
Finally, don’t be offended if someone pulls away if you make an invitation to hug or shake hands. It might be that it doesn’t feel safe for them. Look for the signs that others might be struggling – if they’re squirming, moving restlessly or looking hot and bothered, for example. Understand that this person may need to step away.