Is there someone you always talk to at the end of a gym class, a neighbour you enjoy nattering with when you bump into each other on the street, or a colleague you chat to while waiting for the kettle to boil in the staff kitchen? Perhaps that someone makes you smile, and you feel you’d like to get to know them better. The only trouble is, you’re not sure how.
With friends, it’s usually okay to ask personal questions, suggest outings and deepen the connection, but these aren’t friends, they’re acquaintances – and something holds you back.
Different connections
So, where do the differences lie? An acquaintance is somewhere between a consequential stranger – for example, the barista who greets you every morning at your regular coffee house (see Breathe, issue 54) – and people you regularly spend time with and care about. They’re people you know, but not deeply enough to call a friend. The relationship may never go beyond that, which is fine. After all, it takes different kinds of connection to contribute to an overall sense of belonging. Sometimes, though, it might feel there’s room for a friendship to flourish, whatever form that might take – be it attending classes together or leaning on each other when times are tough.
‘We all crave human connection for our needs to be met. Friendships can deliver on this in all sorts of different ways, both conscious and subconscious,’ says BACP-registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer, who’s based in Hertfordshire, in the UK. ‘If we think about our friendships, we are generally aware that we seek enjoyment and companionship from the company we keep. But there’s so much more to the social fabric of our friendships. We look to friends for their acceptance and approval, and to develop a yardstick to measure ourselves by. We seek a sense of grounding and perspective to help us to escape from our everyday stresses and worries. Our friendships also allow us to feel needed and helpful and useful.’
The reality is that no one type of friend can fulfil all these needs the whole time, or even part of it. ‘That’s why it can be so helpful to build a network of many different kinds of friendships during your life,’ says Georgina.
Shifting scene
The transition from acquaintance to friend often happens naturally, but there are times when a bit of effort is required, and there might be barriers that make this challenging, explains Georgina. For example, some people might instinctively feel uncomfortable in social situations. ‘This might be because you have a tendency towards introversion,’ she says. ‘If that’s the case, then it’s not a lack of confidence, it’s simply because you have a different approach and different needs when it comes to social interaction.
‘Sometimes this discomfort is a sign of shyness. If you’re shy in social situations, it’s usually because of a worry or fear around how other people might perceive you. This fear of negative judgment often begins in childhood and can become a barrier to developing social connections.’
Overthinking the situation can also hold back progress. ‘It can take a simple social interaction, like planning to ask someone for a coffee, and turn it into a minefield of decisions,’ says Georgina. ‘When you overthink, you play through all the possible negative outcomes, which can increase anxiety and lead to a sense of paralysis.’ This might involve assuming an invitation will cause confusion or even that it will be dismissed out of hand. Sometimes, the fear of embarrassment or rejection is so great as to prevent an invitation even being extended. ‘If you have a low sense of self-worth or self-esteem, then it can be hard to reach out and try to nurture connections into something more,’ adds Georgina. ‘This is based on an underlying sense that you aren’t deserving or worthy of someone else’s friendship.’
Gradual process
It takes time to get to know someone and build a friendship and, as you’ve read, not every acquaintance will – or must – become a friend. But there are signs that can help you to decide if a deeper connection would work for both parties. Being able to be authentic around someone is often an indication of a good connection.
‘Many of us wear a mask or play a role when we first meet new people,’ says Georgina. ‘We might highlight our strengths and hide the things we dislike about ourselves. As we get to know someone, we often have a gut sense of whether they might like our “real” self. If we feel comfortable, and that we can drop the mask and be our authentic self, then it’s a good sign that it’s a connection worth developing.’
It’s also helpful, says Georgina, to ask yourself how you feel after you’ve seen an acquaintance. ‘A promising friendship will be one that feels comfortable, balanced and energising,’ she says. ‘If you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed or drained after meeting, then it’s worth holding back a little.’
Often there will be a natural next step. If, for example, you’re having an enjoyable conversation with someone after a gym class, it could be saying something like: ‘I was going to grab a coffee after this, do you fancy joining me?’ Or it could be asking that colleague you enjoy chatting to whether they’d like to join you for lunch. It takes courage and it’s normal to feel nervous, but if you feel there’s potential, it’s worth taking those small steps, as a good friend could be waiting at the other side.
Play it respectfully
Of course, it might be that your acquaintance isn’t as receptive as you’d hoped. Before castigating yourself or allowing self-doubt to creep in, remember there are many reasons why a person might not be able to take up your kind offer. They may have family responsibilities that mean they’re genuinely too busy, or they may just have a lot going on in their life and feel unable to give any new friendship the time and commitment needed for it to flourish.
There’s also the possibility that, over time, you might feel the friendship isn’t working out or isn’t sustainable. And that’s okay too. The important thing is that both parties are honest and respectful of each other’s feelings. It’s also good to remember that short-term or circumstance-based friendships – so-called ‘friends for a season’ – are equally as valuable as those that go the course (see Breathe, issue 55).
Whatever the duration of a friendship and regardless of its intensity, connecting with others invariably offers lessons and enriches life. So, if you feel the spark, act on it. It could be that your invitation is met with a smile and your acquaintance grows into true friendship.
Find out more about Georgina’s counselling practice at georginasturmer.co.uk
How to make the transition
Georgina stresses that each relationship is unique and there’s no so-called right way to do things. Instead, she suggests considering a few general techniques and adapting them to your situation
Work on conversation starters
If you want to develop a friendship, it’s important to move beyond the everyday water-cooler small talk. Ask open-ended questions that invite more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, ones that begin with ‘Why’, ‘Where’, ‘What’ and ‘How’, for example. Be genuinely curious about the other person.
Smile
People often focus on their words but forget their body language. Yet facial expressions, tone of voice and posture are all taken in and absorbed, often without you even realising.
Don’t ignore your worries
If you’re feeling anxious, don’t suppress your concerns. Ask yourself what’s getting in the way. It could be fear of rejection, embarrassment, nervousness or a sense of being overwhelmed. Are you overthinking? Are these feelings based on the current situation or are they layered on top of past experiences? What do you need to do, think or believe about yourself to feel calm and confident?
Confidence in friendship
Reflect on what you have to offer. How would someone else describe you as a friend? This can feel uncomfortable, especially if you tend to struggle with confidence or self-esteem, but try to pinpoint at least one positive quality that you bring to your friendships.
Prepare to be turned down
Hopefully your invitation will be reciprocated and the friendship will grow. But it’s also possible that the other person might not be interested in friendship. If this happens, you should still be proud of what you’ve done. It’s no mean feat to step out of your comfort zone and try to develop a friendship. And don’t allow it to stop you from trying again with someone else.
Nurture existing friendships
It’s great to develop new friendships and relationships as you go through life, but it’s also important to nurture existing ones. If you notice you’re always driven to making new friends and drifting away from old pals, be curious about what’s going on. People do naturally grow apart as they go through life, but make sure you’re not ditching valued friends in favour of something shiny and new.